living alone. seriously, why have i not done this sooner? I LOVE IT. i can make noise and watch whatever i want on tv, and i can come home to leftovers still in the fridge and my shit where i left it and i can bake at midnight and not bother anyone and, and, and, oh boy, i just dig this so much. this burst of love came from a quick review of self and current universal placement and upon seeing myself on nice couch in nice apartment with warm breeze flowing through abode due to lovely day, beverage consisting of rum and juice to one side, cat to the other, bread proofing on the kitchen bench, happy vegan baking thoughts in my head. ah!

so, news: my lease for richmond is (finally!) up tomorrow. jen moved out on the weekend, we did a few days of cleaning (and i'm certain the hovel is now more clean than it was before we moved in, when professional cleaners apparently went through the place) and we return the keys tomorrow. the weird russian agent tells me that the owners want to buy the oven i bought to use in the place (yeah, a house with no oven. GENIUS, DUDES. i think they thought a convection microwave would meet most people's baking requirements. yeah. not this little patissier) so hopefully this brings me some cash. finally putting in my bond form also gives me cash. and a possible baking job for my hairdresser's daughter might throw a bit more into the mix. new bike, huzzah! here we come!

the other news is that i might be picking up some vegan baking work, FOR REALS. it's only 5-10 hours a week to begin with, and the company is so small it's one little person, but it sounds neat. i'll be helping bake, expand the product range and operational stuff. i think i'm pretty much a shoe-in but i'm still crossing my fingers tightly in case the universe has any ideas about teaching me not to be so damn cocky.

i move into an apartment of my very own tomorrow. am i excited? you bet. slightly freaked out? yup. motivated as hell to move all of this furniture? hell, no. my sister bailed on me enough times for me to pull my head out of my ass and just book myself a van already, so now there's me and my pal fifi playing removalists. the thing is that i don't lift anything anymore and fi's tiny, so we're going to be the world's puniest removalists. if anyone saw us struggling through chadstone with our various heavy myer purchases last week, you'd totally understand. how the hell did i used to work in a warehouse, hauling boxes around all day? or carry around huge sacks of sugar and flour at school? captioning has not only made my ass bigger, but my arms weak and crappy. thanks, red bee. you complete me.

as mentioned in the comments below, the appraisal happened and it all went pretty well. of course, the majority of the time i was sitting in, there we were discussing when i'm going to start my business*, the other half consisted of me biting my tongue (see, my course not only trained me to be a supervisor, and then a manager, but i also did a whole mind-numbingly boring semester of HR and we covered appraisals, so my brain was dying to tell them how they could be doing a better job than what they were). they told me that i bring the "supervisory hellfire" and apparently, that's good. oh, and that i'm still captioning things the way that the old company wanted them captioned (which in my opinion was 150% better than their standards - probably why we won awards. we also had a standards committee PLUS an actual proof reader, so in your faces). meh. whatever. i feel better about my role there, but i still feel like people hate me sitting in the big seat.

i nearly applied for a job as a chocolatier the other day. if it was a vegan chocolatier, i'd be on their doorstep pleading with them for a role. i really just don't want to be playing with dairy now that i'm finished school. i learned to block out the horrible dead animal thoughts while i was dealing with it for those 2 years, because had to, but now i don't have to touch anything of the dead animal-related variety, the thoughts are back - and with a vengeance. i ask the universe: why? i could curse myself for being vegan, but instead i think i'd like to curse this country for not being vegan enough.

and, and, and - my sister's finally getting divorced tomorrow! i'm so happy for her, given that her husband turned out to be even more of a dick that i'd originally thought he was. i'm taking a cue from her and rearranging my life, too, so it will turn out more the way that i want it to. i'm sick of this rut that i'm in. also, i've decided to apply for the american green card lottery. there's absolutely no way in hell that i'll ever have my name drawn out of that giant yankee hat, but imagine just how amazing it would be! you can all come visit me in seattle AKA the town of coffee and vegan doughnuts. hell, yes.

* the number one question that pisses me off these days because, quite simply, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW and also, i kind of need to move out, get my shit together, work on some recipes, get my kitchen certified/find a commercial kitchen to hire, and then, THEN, i'll start a business. fuck, people, leave me be.

i may or may not have my performance review today (it was friday, but i called in sick). everyone's telling me not to be worried about it, but i kind of am, for the following reasons:

* questions such as "where do you see yourself in 2 years time?" will not be answered in the way the company wants it to be. they want me to say "climbing the ladder at red bee!" i want to say "running a vegan patisserie and forgetting i was ever a captioner!"

* i have sent out a few emails over the last 2 weeks or so, mostly stuff like reminding people to clean up their pc desktops when they're done for their shift (they're communal computers, and it's shitty searching through other people's files to find the icon you're looking for), to (for the love of god) verify spellings and to (get off their ass and) fill out the paperwork that we have to complete (before they bolt out the door to freedom). no-one seems to be doing any of this. it also seems when i open my mouth to speak, no noise comes out, because no-one ever answers when i speak. yesterday i jokingly suggested that i was going to introduce a kitchen brigade type of system whereby when i speak, everyone yells "yes, chef!" in response, just so i at least had confirmation that i was heard. so, the point is that i think i've been pissy and mostly annoyed while at work of late, and i'm worried that's going to be pointed out. either that or i'm going to mention the above and then get teary from sheer fucking frustration at it all.

i'm yet to move into my apartment, and this is annoying, too, mainly because the weather or my ute-driving sister keeps screwing me over. i get it, she has to work and pick up as many shifts as she can, but don't agree to something if you're just going to turn around and pick up a shift. i'm determined to be in by this weekend. i'm thinking of hiring a van and getting a pal and just dragging that shit into the apartment myself. we're both puny girls, but we should be fine. i'm sure once i'm in and happily alphabetising my books and cds, everything will feel a lot better. ahhh, order amongst the chaos. nice.

fun facts!
there's this amazing lady and her name is jadey. she reminded me that i never blog anymore. that's true. facebook gets jealous of the blog and takes up all of my attention, like a needy, whiny cat. but fuck you, cat/facebook, because jade is afoot!

does anyone use bloglines? is anyone else's bloglines, like, fucked? i can get access to my subscriptions if i go through the mobile version, but not the web. it's annoying, people. how else am i supposed to know where the hell i'm up to on the tastespotting thingy?

other things:
i am both totally hopeful of and pessimistic about and in absolute fear of the future. one day i think everything will work out, the next i think i'm never going to do any of this stuff because i can't get off my ass and i have no experience and who the fuck do i think i am with these crazy ideas anyhow? but then, this morning, i thought of two very helpful little words: baby steps. also, deadlines. because i am useless without deadlines. it's why i got my schoolwork done: due dates. if i'm left without a deadline, i tend to sit around with a large mug of hot chocolate watching 'lost in austen' over and over and wondering where on earth they found that delightful specimen of a man called tom riley and how it could possible be that in this version (kinda) of P&P, i like wickham better than darcy.

i keep daydreaming about america. i know things would be different if i actually lived there - it wouldn't be so shiny and special and interesting and fun and etc etc etc but MAN, the ability to stroll through portland at 11:45pm on a weeknight and find an awesome nerd gamer/coffeehouse not only *still open* but selling amazing vegan sandwiches and pie and *also* has 'eXistenZ' playing on a big screen is just rad and something that would never, ever happen in this screwy country. *sigh* i also keep daydreaming about cute boys named tom riley who play mr wickham in P&P spin-off things and am again reminded to keep my head in reality more, no matter how much nicer it is to have my head in some kind of wacky fantasy land, fuck it.

seattle:

* two (count 'em!) two visits to bamboo garden. sweet, sweet bamboo garden.
* damien jurado was amazing. i cried. i couldn't help myself. he was wonderful, and so were the people he shared the stage with.
* shopping! i bought art and plushies. i drooled over the goods for sale in velocity and giggled at the fun stuff in schmancy.
* we ate donuts! we drank copious amounts of coffee!

we're in san fran now, but only for another day. it's chilly. where the fuck is summer?